Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's Friday. Sex?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
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Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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