I wish life had little blips of pornography
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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