Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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