Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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