The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
