i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize