Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
