Can i not drive my cunt home
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
