I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
