The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
