i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
