I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
