My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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