i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
