This is not my ceiling
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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