I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
