right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
