I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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