I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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