I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
