One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
