oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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