i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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