i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
