God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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