Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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