So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
