don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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