Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
