oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
