We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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