chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
