I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
