He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
