Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
