I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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