I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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