I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
