garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i love accidental penises.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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