The maid of honor just puked.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
