using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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