I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
