oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
