cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I died a long time ago.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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