I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
