if only i could text you this smell
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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