You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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