i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
