Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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