Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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