PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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