yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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