I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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