I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
