I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
