He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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