My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
