Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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